Sunday, November 4, 2007

Santa-Saurus Revisited

Due to questions about the recent escape and the nature of the creature known as "Santa-Saurus," I've made it a priority to re-post my articles on the beast as quickly as possible. The first of such posts (from December of 2004) can be found here; others will follow shortly.

EDIT: The story continues here.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Warning to Playthings Everywhere!

Dire news today, readers. The International League of Playthings has asked all members of the Associated Action Figure Press to warn their audiences that Sikstus Seethar has escaped from captivity in the I.L.P.'s secret holding facility. Toys everywhere are asked to remain vigilant and NOT to approach Seethar if the cyborg dragon should be spotted. This image was taken by a surveillance camera in the facility and was released to the press to emphasize the truly dangerous nature of the beast (the easily-frightened may wish to avoid clicking the thumbnail below).

Scientists at the facility believe that the evil forces often at play on Halloween may have given the beast additional strength. My extensive research into the occult gives me ample reason to support that claim. Seethar was a high-ranking lieutenant in the evil army of Santa-Saurus back in 2005. Although Santa-Saurus himself (itself?) was destroyed by an elite cadre of action toys that Christmas, Seethar still remains a threat. Authorities believe he may be seeking to rebuild the Cretaceous Killer's armies in a bid for global domination. Be sure to check this blog frequently for new developments; it seems to still be stable after the recent crash.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Disruption of Service

Hello all... terribly sorry about the recent disruption of service and the loss of all previous entries. I have been assured that the data was properly backed-up and should be restored in short order. I have my own copies, of course, and will be re-posting as frequently as my schedule allows.

Strange development, this. So many strange rumblings in the occult toy community lately, and my online research happens to vanish in the midst of them. Most peculiar. Thank you all again for your patience; my sincerest apologies to Doctors Tedrow & Baumgartner for the delays this will cause your research. E-mail me for any specific articles I can send your way.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Santa-Saurus Returns ?

Esteemed Colleagues and Readers:

I have received e-mail warning from my associates at Brand X Creations regarding the re-emergence of the dreaded Santa-Saurus. I hope the evidence I am posting below is being misinterpreted, but I fear it is not; read on and decide for yourself:

Thank you for taking the time to read this [blog]. Its contents are quite distressing, but I felt the need to share this information with you. A great evil is upon us. With Halloween behind us and visions of turkey dinners and four-day-weekends before us, I feel I must remind you all: After the turkey sandwiches are gone, Christmas will be just around the corner. And with Christmas comes the crowded malls, the jolly music, the cheap menial labor flooding into the toy stores… and something much more sinister.


“But he’s dead,” you say. “Willie’s
[the creative director of Brand X -ed.] action figures and totally-manly stuffed toy kicked his can back to the Cretaceous.” This is true. The rest of you are saying, “Willie… what the heck are you babbling about?”

Allow me to elucidate.

Last year, Ken Adams discovered that Evil Pirates (not cool ones like Johnny Depp) kidnapped Santa Claus, the ultimate Yuletide Ninja, and performed evil experiments upon him. The Santa we all know and love was reborn a rapacious reptile with a thirst for mayhem and a hunger for blood: The Santa-Saurus. Ken fled to Japan that Christmas, but not before sending us all a warning about the coming massacre. You might not have realized it, but this warning saved all of your lives, as it allowed a small group of action toys to defeat the X-Mas Executioner:
We thought Christmas had been saved, and we thanked our lucky stars that we didn’t have to call Ernest to do it AGAIN. We ate our Christmas dinner and enjoyed our gifts and the next day we shopped at Target, because everything was ON SALE. We all thought that was the end of it.

We were wrong.

I currently have evidence in my possession that the threat has not passed, and that this Christmas the vile Santa-Saurus may yet be the death of us all. I shall send these chilling images to you as more become available. View them yourselves. Send them to friends and family. Or e-mail me back and tell me to leave you the heck alone. Whatever you do… be wary. Santa-Saurus is back.

And there will be a reckoning.

Hello again. (Received November 12, 2005)

After sending my previous e-mail I contacted a secretive government agency with information that might prove helpful to me. I received their response today, and it has chilled me to the very core of my soul.

Attached to this e-mail is a scan of the entire field report I received from the BPRD offices in Fairfield, Connecticut. I have also included in this e-mail scans of the terrifying pictures I received attached to the report, a report meant for the highest-level agents in the BPRD. It paints a picture of ghostly violence and horrendous destruction.

As you can see, Comic-Con in San Diego was the site of Santa-Saurus’ public re-emergence. The Ghostbusters Reserves and Han Solo can be seen in the foreground, planning their next move against the ectoplasmic evil. If only we could go back in time, and somehow warn them…

This photograph shows the carnage that later ensued. I can only imagine how quickly this all must have happened; when this shot was taken, the convention attendees seemed completely unaware of the bizarre evil occurring around them. Perhaps Santa-Saurus had not yet pushed his destructive energies completely onto our dimensional plane, and only the all-seeing lens of a digital camera could capture the chaos.

I have to ask, though: Why Comic-Con? For Santa-Saurus to make such a dramatic appearance, especially after his past history of stealth and secret evil, he must have had a very specific goal in mind.

Did he wish to destroy the precious copies of Action Comics #1 on display, thus increasing the value of those remaining? Maybe he has some hidden, waiting to be sold to fund his reign of terror. Was he hoping to devour the wonderful Booth Babes™? If so, he was at the wrong convention; they are only seen at E3. Or was it something more sinister?

Was he after the TOYS?

… either way, it makes me glad none of us were able to attend this year.

[Click Here to Read the BPRD Report]

Terrible news indeed...

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Sethikhopshjef II of Egypt

This image is of the ancient Egyptian Sethikhopshjef II. Named for the first-born human son of Ramesses II, Sethikhopshjef II was a regional governor of Upper Egypt’s toy empire during the Roman Occupation. Currently he resides in Room 69 of the British Museum. He is a classic example of the linen-and-papyrus figures created during that period; his excellent state of preservation is due to his former status as a highly-ranked government official.

The human museum’s description of Sethikhopshjef II is fairly accurate, with one glaring exception: The marble headdress was a symbol of rank and class, and did not denote gender. Other than this correction I shall not attempt to improve upon it further; I will simply post it (duly credited) for your perusal:

“This doll is fairly well-proportioned, and has a head and a body. The arms are made from a long roll of linen attached at the back. The doll is made of made of coarse linen and is stuffed with rags and pieces of papyrus. Coloured wool, now faded, was applied to parts of the face and body. The sex of the doll is unclear, although the presence of a small blue glass bead attached to the proper left side of the head suggests a hair ornament and therefore that it is probably intended to be female.”

I had an opportunity to speak with Sethikhopshjef II a few years back, and was saddened to see that his legendary intellect had not survived the millennia as well as his body. He told tales of gods and goddesses walking the Earth who forsook the human race and spoke only to their humble playthings. Although some toy researchers and historians have spent considerable time and effort researching these claims, I find them unlikely. Sethikhopshjef II seemed especially fixated on a terrifying deity he called “The God-King of Thunder.” The creature was said to wear a blood-red cap that appeared almost jovial compared to its razor-sharp teeth and reptilian appearance. Such a shame that Sethikhopshjef II, this great figure from history, should remarkably still be with us but have descended so far into senility.

For the humans’ version of Sethikhopshjef II’s origins, please click here.
As always, selecting the thumbnail image will reward you with a larger view.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


I so seldom find that the humans who surround us and "run" this world have any true idea what goes on around them. I was surprised, then, to be included as part of this e-mail correspondence from one of my (few) human colleagues:

Subject: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/23 1:51 PM
From: Ken

...So we have a dilemma. Santa is a NINJA! (Red suited ninja, sneaks into houses at the speed of light without being detected, and he can fly... ninja...) So how can he be personified as the ultimate in pirate evil?

Then I had another thought: if dinosaurs are so evil, why is it Ninja frequently mount them into battle? But if you really think about it, the solution presents itself in this example. The Ninja have obviously put evil pirate dinosaurs into their submission. So, this REALLY represents a sign of victory of Ninja OVER pirate. They defeat pirates, and use their own minions against them in a way that slaps them in the face and says: "you suck, we rule".

Then the real problem occurred to me. As vengeance for the Ninjas insult, they have KIDNAPPED SANTA CLAUSE and genetically bio-mechanically altered him to be the ultimate Pirate/Dinosaur assassin!!! CHRISTMAS IS DOOMED!!!

Think about this. Christmas is only a few days away and nobody has figured this out yet. Santa isn't coming down the chimney this year. He's smashing through walls and he's gonna EAT EVERYONE!!! ...


Now, this is a wonderful theory, but there are some holes in it. Santa-Saurus, if he exists, is most likely NOT the bio-mechanically engineered holiday elf... although, admittedly, my research in this particular area is limited. None of that is worth discussing now, however, in light of these additional e-mails sent days later:

Subject: RE: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/27 1:03 AM
From: Josh

Did anyone get visited by this santa-saurus? Cuz I left out some goat milk and goat body parts and he didn't come. God must hate me.

Subject: Re: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/27 5:39 PM
From: CrtoonJnky

Fear not, everyone... the threat of Santa-Saurus has been neutralized. The attached visual evidence confirms that God does in fact love Josh, and all the other little children of the world: Santa-Saurus did not visit his home Christmas Eve because he was defeated earlier in the evening by an elite task force of justice-dispensing action toys.

WARNING: The attached image may be too intensely awesome for some viewers.


I'll need to speak with the toys involved, take their statements. This is all very curious indeed and may possibly shed some light on previous studies. Curious...

Friday, September 3, 2004

Voodoo Doll Union Officially Declares Strike

I found this snippet on the Associated Action Figure Press, and thought I’d pass it along. Hardly a surprise, but there you have it. [Link removed upon request]

“Voodoo dolls across the globe stood united today against the tyrannies of an uneducated human society and refused to make use of their sympathetic magics. For generations voodoo dolls have been used to heal or to harm, but no longer.

‘We’ve grown weary of the constant abuse,’ said Geoff Rouge [pictured].
‘We understand our purpose in life, and we’ve always taken great pride in it. But the general public, especially in the United States, does NOT understand that purpose. They use us for their own wicked and selfish purposes, not for self-preservation, communication with the recently dead, or healing. Ever since "Live and Let Die" came out in '73, Americans especially have been confused about what our job ACTUALLY is.’
Vodoun Local #996 first proposed the strike nearly two years ago, but most union leaders felt it was too extreme a measure. Recent increases in hexes and curses have changed many minds, however. It is hoped the strike (which all leaders we spoke to emphasized was temporary) will lead to a decrease in human reliance on the dolls. After a yet-to-be-determined period of time the dolls will resume the use of their skills. In the meantime, they look forward to some well-deserved time off funded by union trust funds.

‘I’m finally going to be able to spend some time with my family in New Orleans, maybe take them on vacation,” says Rouge. ‘I’d love for the kids to see Disneyworld.’”