Saturday, November 12, 2005

Santa-Saurus Returns ?

Esteemed Colleagues and Readers:

I have received e-mail warning from my associates at Brand X Creations regarding the re-emergence of the dreaded Santa-Saurus. I hope the evidence I am posting below is being misinterpreted, but I fear it is not; read on and decide for yourself:

Thank you for taking the time to read this [blog]. Its contents are quite distressing, but I felt the need to share this information with you. A great evil is upon us. With Halloween behind us and visions of turkey dinners and four-day-weekends before us, I feel I must remind you all: After the turkey sandwiches are gone, Christmas will be just around the corner. And with Christmas comes the crowded malls, the jolly music, the cheap menial labor flooding into the toy stores… and something much more sinister.


“But he’s dead,” you say. “Willie’s
[the creative director of Brand X -ed.] action figures and totally-manly stuffed toy kicked his can back to the Cretaceous.” This is true. The rest of you are saying, “Willie… what the heck are you babbling about?”

Allow me to elucidate.

Last year, Ken Adams discovered that Evil Pirates (not cool ones like Johnny Depp) kidnapped Santa Claus, the ultimate Yuletide Ninja, and performed evil experiments upon him. The Santa we all know and love was reborn a rapacious reptile with a thirst for mayhem and a hunger for blood: The Santa-Saurus. Ken fled to Japan that Christmas, but not before sending us all a warning about the coming massacre. You might not have realized it, but this warning saved all of your lives, as it allowed a small group of action toys to defeat the X-Mas Executioner:
We thought Christmas had been saved, and we thanked our lucky stars that we didn’t have to call Ernest to do it AGAIN. We ate our Christmas dinner and enjoyed our gifts and the next day we shopped at Target, because everything was ON SALE. We all thought that was the end of it.

We were wrong.

I currently have evidence in my possession that the threat has not passed, and that this Christmas the vile Santa-Saurus may yet be the death of us all. I shall send these chilling images to you as more become available. View them yourselves. Send them to friends and family. Or e-mail me back and tell me to leave you the heck alone. Whatever you do… be wary. Santa-Saurus is back.

And there will be a reckoning.

Hello again. (Received November 12, 2005)

After sending my previous e-mail I contacted a secretive government agency with information that might prove helpful to me. I received their response today, and it has chilled me to the very core of my soul.

Attached to this e-mail is a scan of the entire field report I received from the BPRD offices in Fairfield, Connecticut. I have also included in this e-mail scans of the terrifying pictures I received attached to the report, a report meant for the highest-level agents in the BPRD. It paints a picture of ghostly violence and horrendous destruction.

As you can see, Comic-Con in San Diego was the site of Santa-Saurus’ public re-emergence. The Ghostbusters Reserves and Han Solo can be seen in the foreground, planning their next move against the ectoplasmic evil. If only we could go back in time, and somehow warn them…

This photograph shows the carnage that later ensued. I can only imagine how quickly this all must have happened; when this shot was taken, the convention attendees seemed completely unaware of the bizarre evil occurring around them. Perhaps Santa-Saurus had not yet pushed his destructive energies completely onto our dimensional plane, and only the all-seeing lens of a digital camera could capture the chaos.

I have to ask, though: Why Comic-Con? For Santa-Saurus to make such a dramatic appearance, especially after his past history of stealth and secret evil, he must have had a very specific goal in mind.

Did he wish to destroy the precious copies of Action Comics #1 on display, thus increasing the value of those remaining? Maybe he has some hidden, waiting to be sold to fund his reign of terror. Was he hoping to devour the wonderful Booth Babes™? If so, he was at the wrong convention; they are only seen at E3. Or was it something more sinister?

Was he after the TOYS?

… either way, it makes me glad none of us were able to attend this year.

[Click Here to Read the BPRD Report]

Terrible news indeed...

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Sethikhopshjef II of Egypt

This image is of the ancient Egyptian Sethikhopshjef II. Named for the first-born human son of Ramesses II, Sethikhopshjef II was a regional governor of Upper Egypt’s toy empire during the Roman Occupation. Currently he resides in Room 69 of the British Museum. He is a classic example of the linen-and-papyrus figures created during that period; his excellent state of preservation is due to his former status as a highly-ranked government official.

The human museum’s description of Sethikhopshjef II is fairly accurate, with one glaring exception: The marble headdress was a symbol of rank and class, and did not denote gender. Other than this correction I shall not attempt to improve upon it further; I will simply post it (duly credited) for your perusal:

“This doll is fairly well-proportioned, and has a head and a body. The arms are made from a long roll of linen attached at the back. The doll is made of made of coarse linen and is stuffed with rags and pieces of papyrus. Coloured wool, now faded, was applied to parts of the face and body. The sex of the doll is unclear, although the presence of a small blue glass bead attached to the proper left side of the head suggests a hair ornament and therefore that it is probably intended to be female.”

I had an opportunity to speak with Sethikhopshjef II a few years back, and was saddened to see that his legendary intellect had not survived the millennia as well as his body. He told tales of gods and goddesses walking the Earth who forsook the human race and spoke only to their humble playthings. Although some toy researchers and historians have spent considerable time and effort researching these claims, I find them unlikely. Sethikhopshjef II seemed especially fixated on a terrifying deity he called “The God-King of Thunder.” The creature was said to wear a blood-red cap that appeared almost jovial compared to its razor-sharp teeth and reptilian appearance. Such a shame that Sethikhopshjef II, this great figure from history, should remarkably still be with us but have descended so far into senility.

For the humans’ version of Sethikhopshjef II’s origins, please click here.
As always, selecting the thumbnail image will reward you with a larger view.