Tuesday, July 4, 2000

Interview With Captain America (Pt.1)

In honor of the American celebration of Independence, I’ve been saving this interview with Allied hero Captain America. I had the opportunity to sit down with this plastic defender of freedom earlier this year and it was a pleasure, as always.

Dr. Scheffield: Thank you for joining me today Captain, my readers are always eager to hear more from America’s “Sentinel of Liberty.”

Captain America: I’m always happy to oblige ‘em, Doc. And please, call me Cap.

Doc: Of course, Cap. First off, can you tell us a bit about yourself? Many of my readers are familiar with your origins, of course, but some on this side of the Atlantic may not be.

Cap: Sure thing. I was one of the earliest plastic toys ever created (a mix of bakelite and polystyrene parts), right around 1941. The military brass in the U.S. was nervous about the clockwork abominations Hitler was puttin’ out, so they created me to fight ‘em. If it’s not too big-headed to say so, I was tougher, faster, and stronger than most of the tin and wooden soldiers the U.S. had been using up until then.

Doc: “It’s not bragging if you can back it up,” right Cap?

Cap: [Laughs] Right you are.

Doc: So you went into active duty in 1941?

Cap: Yes ma’am, right off the line. Some quick training at the RAAF base in New Mexico, then I was off to the European front. We were there in the tunnels under Normandy beach, fighting the rats and the German Uhrwerk toys. Some extremely weird things were going on right under the human’s noses… as usual.

Doc: “Weird things?” Was there actually anything stranger than Uhrwerk Soldiers and Rat-Raiders?

Cap: Oh, absolutely. We got used to those things pretty quickly. No, the REALLY weird stuff hit after the fall of Berlin in ’45. That’s when the O.S.S. teamed me up with Indiana Jones…

Doc: … my hero and inspiration…

Cap: He was an amazing man to work with, Doc. It was me, Dr. Jones, and Lobster Johnson after most of the fighting in Europe ended.

Doc: Lobster Johnson? I’m sorry Captain, isn’t he a myth? A character made up for the movie serials, and nothing more?

Cap: That’s what the general public was always meant to believe, yes. Johnson was as real as you or I, though.

Doc: Tell us about him.

Cap: Well, he was the forerunner of the Action Figure Bureau for Paranormal Research & Defense. He was the one who lead us after Hitler’s brain, the Nazi doll scientists that sent the first playthings into space, and the Elder God War of 1953.

Doc: Captain, we’ve spoken before and you’ve never mentioned these things before. I’m surprised by some of this… why the sudden openness?

[Captain America pauses for a moment]

Cap: Well, most of the toys of my generation are gone now, and our secrets’ll die with us unless somebody speaks up. Some of the boys at the Pentagon think big things are on the horizon, and toys everywhere need to be ready.

Doc: So this interview is your vehicle for spreading that information?

Cap: For spreading that warning. Hope you don’t mind, ma’am.

Doc: Not at all.

[At this point we broke for tea and lighter conversation; more of the interview to follow]