Wednesday, December 29, 2004


I so seldom find that the humans who surround us and "run" this world have any true idea what goes on around them. I was surprised, then, to be included as part of this e-mail correspondence from one of my (few) human colleagues:

Subject: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/23 1:51 PM
From: Ken

...So we have a dilemma. Santa is a NINJA! (Red suited ninja, sneaks into houses at the speed of light without being detected, and he can fly... ninja...) So how can he be personified as the ultimate in pirate evil?

Then I had another thought: if dinosaurs are so evil, why is it Ninja frequently mount them into battle? But if you really think about it, the solution presents itself in this example. The Ninja have obviously put evil pirate dinosaurs into their submission. So, this REALLY represents a sign of victory of Ninja OVER pirate. They defeat pirates, and use their own minions against them in a way that slaps them in the face and says: "you suck, we rule".

Then the real problem occurred to me. As vengeance for the Ninjas insult, they have KIDNAPPED SANTA CLAUSE and genetically bio-mechanically altered him to be the ultimate Pirate/Dinosaur assassin!!! CHRISTMAS IS DOOMED!!!

Think about this. Christmas is only a few days away and nobody has figured this out yet. Santa isn't coming down the chimney this year. He's smashing through walls and he's gonna EAT EVERYONE!!! ...


Now, this is a wonderful theory, but there are some holes in it. Santa-Saurus, if he exists, is most likely NOT the bio-mechanically engineered holiday elf... although, admittedly, my research in this particular area is limited. None of that is worth discussing now, however, in light of these additional e-mails sent days later:

Subject: RE: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/27 1:03 AM
From: Josh

Did anyone get visited by this santa-saurus? Cuz I left out some goat milk and goat body parts and he didn't come. God must hate me.

Subject: Re: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/27 5:39 PM
From: CrtoonJnky

Fear not, everyone... the threat of Santa-Saurus has been neutralized. The attached visual evidence confirms that God does in fact love Josh, and all the other little children of the world: Santa-Saurus did not visit his home Christmas Eve because he was defeated earlier in the evening by an elite task force of justice-dispensing action toys.

WARNING: The attached image may be too intensely awesome for some viewers.


I'll need to speak with the toys involved, take their statements. This is all very curious indeed and may possibly shed some light on previous studies. Curious...