Wednesday, December 29, 2004


I so seldom find that the humans who surround us and "run" this world have any true idea what goes on around them. I was surprised, then, to be included as part of this e-mail correspondence from one of my (few) human colleagues:

Subject: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/23 1:51 PM
From: Ken

...So we have a dilemma. Santa is a NINJA! (Red suited ninja, sneaks into houses at the speed of light without being detected, and he can fly... ninja...) So how can he be personified as the ultimate in pirate evil?

Then I had another thought: if dinosaurs are so evil, why is it Ninja frequently mount them into battle? But if you really think about it, the solution presents itself in this example. The Ninja have obviously put evil pirate dinosaurs into their submission. So, this REALLY represents a sign of victory of Ninja OVER pirate. They defeat pirates, and use their own minions against them in a way that slaps them in the face and says: "you suck, we rule".

Then the real problem occurred to me. As vengeance for the Ninjas insult, they have KIDNAPPED SANTA CLAUSE and genetically bio-mechanically altered him to be the ultimate Pirate/Dinosaur assassin!!! CHRISTMAS IS DOOMED!!!

Think about this. Christmas is only a few days away and nobody has figured this out yet. Santa isn't coming down the chimney this year. He's smashing through walls and he's gonna EAT EVERYONE!!! ...


Now, this is a wonderful theory, but there are some holes in it. Santa-Saurus, if he exists, is most likely NOT the bio-mechanically engineered holiday elf... although, admittedly, my research in this particular area is limited. None of that is worth discussing now, however, in light of these additional e-mails sent days later:

Subject: RE: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/27 1:03 AM
From: Josh

Did anyone get visited by this santa-saurus? Cuz I left out some goat milk and goat body parts and he didn't come. God must hate me.

Subject: Re: Deep thoughts... Date: 12/27 5:39 PM
From: CrtoonJnky

Fear not, everyone... the threat of Santa-Saurus has been neutralized. The attached visual evidence confirms that God does in fact love Josh, and all the other little children of the world: Santa-Saurus did not visit his home Christmas Eve because he was defeated earlier in the evening by an elite task force of justice-dispensing action toys.

WARNING: The attached image may be too intensely awesome for some viewers.


I'll need to speak with the toys involved, take their statements. This is all very curious indeed and may possibly shed some light on previous studies. Curious...

Friday, September 3, 2004

Voodoo Doll Union Officially Declares Strike

I found this snippet on the Associated Action Figure Press, and thought I’d pass it along. Hardly a surprise, but there you have it. [Link removed upon request]

“Voodoo dolls across the globe stood united today against the tyrannies of an uneducated human society and refused to make use of their sympathetic magics. For generations voodoo dolls have been used to heal or to harm, but no longer.

‘We’ve grown weary of the constant abuse,’ said Geoff Rouge [pictured].
‘We understand our purpose in life, and we’ve always taken great pride in it. But the general public, especially in the United States, does NOT understand that purpose. They use us for their own wicked and selfish purposes, not for self-preservation, communication with the recently dead, or healing. Ever since "Live and Let Die" came out in '73, Americans especially have been confused about what our job ACTUALLY is.’
Vodoun Local #996 first proposed the strike nearly two years ago, but most union leaders felt it was too extreme a measure. Recent increases in hexes and curses have changed many minds, however. It is hoped the strike (which all leaders we spoke to emphasized was temporary) will lead to a decrease in human reliance on the dolls. After a yet-to-be-determined period of time the dolls will resume the use of their skills. In the meantime, they look forward to some well-deserved time off funded by union trust funds.

‘I’m finally going to be able to spend some time with my family in New Orleans, maybe take them on vacation,” says Rouge. ‘I’d love for the kids to see Disneyworld.’”